The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
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The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
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Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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