Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
