Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
