I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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