i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
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just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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