I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
