I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
