fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
