I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
