either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Randomize
