You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Randomize
