Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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