I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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