Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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