I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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