sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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