Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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