he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
