Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
