Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
