You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
