Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
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