Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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