What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
