Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
