um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
