I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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