I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
