I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
