I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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