I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
