i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
