Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
