You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
A+ Viking dick
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