MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
