Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
