Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
