I am midnight drunk by noon
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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