I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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