I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
