Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
