I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
