what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
