The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
