you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Apparently you make a good broom.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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