hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
When are your genitals available?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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