You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
