I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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