I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize
