so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
