I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
