he thought i was a dude.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
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