she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
