I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
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I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
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A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Everclear isn't food dammit
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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