So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
