can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
