my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
