i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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