My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
