Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
